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-   -   Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard) (http://www.allornothingtattoo.com/forums/showthread.php?t=2204)

terryhaddon 02-21-2008 12:09 PM

Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
i'm sitting at work with tears in my eyes.......these are the funniest ones i've seen.

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more that meet the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya!"

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity," then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

16. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

17.Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

18. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

19. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

20. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f@#k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

21. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

22. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

23. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

24. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

25. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.

26. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and s&!t on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

27. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

28. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

29. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.

30. Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

31. Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, "I'm not your savior!" and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom

TattooPadawan 02-25-2008 10:38 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
LOL !
with your free time at work,.. I'm guessing lexus nexus.

terryhaddon 02-26-2008 12:39 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
nope i'm a male stripper speciallizing in the "Reese Strip"...

jess the dude 03-18-2008 01:50 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
when chuck norris falls into a lake he doesnt get wet the lake gets chuck norrised. i love chuck norris jokes.

jarvis 06-12-2008 07:55 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
CHUCK NORRIS DOESNT THROW UP...HE THROWS DOWN!

jess the dude 10-03-2008 04:01 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
when chuck norris does push ups he doesnt push himself up he pushes the earth down.

robhamilton 10-06-2008 10:17 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
- Some people pee their name into snow. Chuck Norris pees his name into concrete.

- Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding

jerseyjaywymbs 11-12-2008 04:35 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
chuck norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

james123 11-23-2008 08:26 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
After a long night of partying Chuck Norris does not throw up he throws DOWN !!!!

jonnyxbox22 11-29-2008 06:28 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
chuck norris sleeps with a night light on, not because he's afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of him.

resonanteye 12-01-2008 01:28 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
the punch line to every chuck norris joke is a rock video starring grace jones


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgMn2OJmx3w

ryan heisel 05-05-2009 07:51 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
chuck norris once brought a baby lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. he then roundhouse kicked it, killing it again, just to prove that the good chuck giveth and the good chuck taketh

spuncyco 02-02-2010 03:55 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
Chuck Norris blows bubbles with beef jerkey...

seven77 02-02-2010 05:55 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
hahaha

Bufferkiller 02-02-2010 10:32 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
I really don't think these ever get old.

spuncyco 02-04-2010 04:05 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
Chuck Norris picks his teeth with other peoples teeth

Bufferkiller 02-05-2010 01:59 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 

spuncyco 06-03-2010 08:22 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
Go to google search, type in "google wont" and then hit the Im feelin lucky. Just go do it!!!

Joe 06-03-2010 07:47 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
Chuck Norris swallowed a jumbled Rubix Cube and pooped it out solved.

SteelCityKing1982 09-03-2010 06:35 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris likes his meat very rare. this is why he only eats unicorns.

Chuck Norris once got oral sex from a girl and she died of tetanus.

travelingtom 09-03-2010 07:49 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
huh, thats funny, your location says pittsburgh, but here you are in clarion? must be another steeler fag hahahahahaha

travelingtom 09-04-2010 03:53 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
chuck norris is the only person in the world who can kick start a car

chuck norris counted to infinity twice

chuck noriss is the only person in the world that can slam a revolving door

SteelCityKing1982 09-04-2010 10:15 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
Chuck Norris never missed a question in Jeopardy. Jesus missed two.

Chuck Norris went through puberty during his second trimester.

Chuck Norris has a winter home on the sun.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin he built with his own two hands.

royalina 01-20-2011 10:28 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
I'm guessing lexus nexus.........











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Sleevy 05-20-2011 07:37 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
lol stealing some of these

Sleevy 05-20-2011 07:38 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
wow just realized this thread is from 08

kukass 09-19-2011 03:47 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
hmmm. Tattoos rock!

RenegadeTattoo 02-05-2012 09:32 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
Chuck is def too bad ass for tattoos lol

Nicole 04-25-2012 04:53 PM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
http://a7.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphot...10740580_n.jpg

nater 09-12-2012 12:05 AM

Re: Chuck Norris (Some I haven't heard)
 
lol


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